You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
