i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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