i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
