you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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