my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
