what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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