It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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