I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
