You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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