at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
