Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
