hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
