another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
