Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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