I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
