The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
farters have to be the big spoon...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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