My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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