You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
