Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
