i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize