do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So vagazzling was a success
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
