then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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