She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Two words: blizzard sex
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
