im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
