I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
