i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
