Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize