Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
