Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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