chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize