bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
