Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
