Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
