Barsexuality is the new black.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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