she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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