Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
