my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
