just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm eating all of the evidence.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
