Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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