i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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