She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
