The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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