look no pants
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
sarcasm needs its own font
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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