it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
