Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
