Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
