That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
