Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
