My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
