Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
