my mouth tastes like poor choices
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
