he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
