Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
