Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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