I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
