Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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