just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
please come you make the beer taste better
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
