I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize