you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize