I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize