with your own penis?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
