I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
