I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize