He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize